Ellen debuted last week and said about nine words, denying thousands of columnists the opportunity to paste in their prewritten “Ellen Is Great”/”Ellen Is Awful” pieces. But don’t despair! There’s still plenty of exciting “Idol” news to cover. 

Opinions Are Like … Well, Everyone’s Got One

Do you have an opinion on Howard Stern joining “American Idol”? If not, you’re the only one. Osama Bin Laden would be a less controversial judge, apparently. 

“The View’s” Sherri Shepherd took time out from trying to determine if the earth is round to denounce the former long-time music disc jockey as unqualified. Some dopey anchor in Sacramento declared he would never watch the show again if “Idol” hired Howard. Both Kara and Ellen are reportedly against the idea, according to unnamed alleged insider sources probably invented by evil bloggers. Even the Parents Television Council stuck its prissy beak in to declare that the addition of Howard would most certainly be the final nail in the coffin of America’s decaying morality. 

Meanwhile, according to the website The Daily Beast and Entertainment Weekly, the whole thing was made up from the beginning! Ha ha, you lose, People Who Care About Silly Things. “Idol” should do this every season.

Because Country Music Isn’t Frightening Enough

Former “Idol” winner Carrie Underwood appeared on “Sesame Street” to terrify children as “Carrie Underworm,” a blonde-wigged, heavily mascara’d invertebrate who sang “The Worm Anthem” while slithering and bobbing in rhythm.

WATCH the new “Carrie Underworm” muppet debut on “Sesame Street.

Please Welcome “Extra’s” New “American Idol” Correspondent

According to reports, Simon has a new girlfriend: makeup artist Mezhgan Hussainy. While taping one of the 80 talent shows he judges, he was spotted in England kissing the 36-year-old, who reportedly refers to herself as “an icon in the make-up world,” despite having had no actual training. She did work on Susan Boyle’s famous make-over, though, so … wait, what was our point again?

If You Spotted This, It’s Time to Go Outside 
Did you miss the Coke cups on the judges’ table this week? We didn’t either, but kudos to Coke for getting this into the news: instead of Coke the judges were drinking from orange-and-white Vitaminwater Zero cups (Coke owns Vitaminwater). The more familiar Coke cups will reappear later this month. Phew!

—Christine Lusey, Amos Content Group