Photo: Amanda De Cadenet.

Tanned Hollywood titan George Hamilton has a new trophy wife.

"Pineapple Express" star Amber Heard.

The two team up for a kitschy fashion spread and article in the December issue of Harper's Bazaar in which Heard "dictates" to the magazine what her life is like living with the bronzed charmer.

Here an excerpt from her diary.

"I’m really tired. I’ve had a really busy day. See, I’m experimenting with a new pose. The whole hand-on-hip thing is getting a bit old (something I’ll never be—yay!). Anyway, it’s kind of exhausting standing in my Jimmy Choos in front of a mirror, studying myself. I pride myself on not having to exercise … yet."

And another.

Photo: Amanda De Cadenet.

"I am a rare and precious creature. That is what my baby tells me. So it doesn’t serve me to look just okay. I have to look hot. He isn’t with me because I can cook! The way my boo puts it is that he has an investment in me. The Botox, collagen, facials, waxings, mani/pedis, hair color, blowouts, spray tans—that’s the “art” I put on my “canvas.” And when it comes to clothes, why would you cover up the Mona Lisa with a Beefy-T? So my baby wants to drape me with the best that money can buy. I can’t help it if my pooky wants perfection."

The issue hits stands Nov 17th. We're buying it just for this weird feature.